Broken

I stood in the kitchen staring at the plate in my hands deciding weather or not I should drop it, rationality said 'You'll only have to buy another, this isn't a very sensible thing to do'. Irrationality said 'Its your plate, your control do what you like' so I simply opened my fingers and watched it as I let it fall and smash by my feet. I didn't smile as I saw the pieces shatter across the floor, didn't feel satisfied I just knelt down and scooped the shards into a pile and standing again observed the broken side plate then burst into tears.

Fucking hell

Fucking fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!! What ever happened to the 'Happiness is' cartoon strip???? Honestly you think everything is going great and your so happy then BAM the other person decides to have a fucking brain fart and poke about in what doesn't need poking about in just because they can!!!!!! For fucks sake just because I have a bottle of washing up liquid in the kitchen doesn't mean Im going to drink the fucking thing just because I fucking can!!!! News flash!!!! It wouldn't be good for me!!!!!!!!!!
The past is the past is the god damn FUCKING past!!!!!!! It is not present!! DUH!!!!! It is not any ones business but mine unless I decide to share it!!! I am sooooo angry I could spit!!!!! He wants me to talk so I do, not as much as he wants but its difficult to break the habit of a lifetime this though its not good enough so he decides to pre-empt me, try to figure out what I will say before I say it: before I've even configured the thought in my head let alone the fucking sentence!!!!!

I know he had rows with his ex, I don't need to know what was said by who, I wouldn't ask..... I know it hurts to bring these things up!!!! I could have said this to him earlier while I was trying to explain why I was so upset with how he was and what he had said but I didn't for exactly that reason.

For fuck sake 'Happiness is' just because it fucking is, leave it the fuck alone and cherish it.

I love you.

You love me.

Be happy.

I may not be an expert communicator but while I love rubbing his shoulders, giving a massage, bringing a cup of tea to him in bed even though I have my son to see to and I'm not even coming back under the covers then he has nothing NOTHING NOTHING to worry about!!!!!