Im engaged!!!! :)))

After all the ups and downs, sobbing and misunderstandings.......... I'm engaged!! Bless him he was so sweet and nervous, he went down on one knee.... or started to but saw me looking in shock so he began to get back up to which I blurted out 'no' lol not actually meaning 'no', I meant 'no, don't get up carry on' hehe. Aww heck how am I supposed to get my brain to function in that situation?? let alone form full coherent sentences lol And when he'd said the immortal words 'Will you marry me'..... I forgot to speak! It was as though it was a dream I was watching lol it seemed like forever before the word yes came out but must have only been 30 seconds or so :) He got up and looked right in my eyes, welled up and cried!! awwwww!!!! You couldn't have gotten the smiles of our faces with an industrial sander, my cheeks started hurting!! He hugged me so tightly for ages, I've never been held so close, emotionally or otherwise. I gotta say, its damn nice :)

This all happened on the 26th May but yesterday we finally changed our facebook status.... ah yes its all official....... I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now press 'I like'.......

What to wear? lol

So I'm out and about with my mum last sunday, no where special mind. Mum had just taken me to do my food shop as I don't drive and then we had driven out to my grandparents grave because she likes to keep the flowers fresh, and as she stood at the gate a woman from the parish council came to put something in the notice board. My mum and the woman spoke a bit and I noted they were of similar ages..... and dress sense!!
What is it with older women? Do they hit a certain age and instantly forget how to dress nicely? I don't mean all poshed up for going out, just avoiding large shapeless cardys they look like a blanket with sleeves lol These two women looked like mirror images of each other, same colour top, trousers and even very similar shoes...... comfortable. I thought it was only my mum who dressed like it but I sat in the car watching them and had to have a little chuckle to myself. Mum had the week before suggested that she get me one of those 'blanket cardys' for my birthday AND out of the tv mag too....... pushing the boat out a bit eh mother? lol Phhhfffttt I'll be jiggerd if I'm letting her start me on the road to shapelessness and bland colour! Even when I was younger her dress sense was somewhat worrying..... she would actively stop to look in charity shop windows and happily remark on the neon pink shell suit displayed or something else equally horrific!! lol Now I have nothing against charity shop clothes, there is many a billy bargin to be had but my mum doesn't look for those..... simply sticks to what she knows, square blouses and knee lenght pleated skirts..... very Jessica Fletcher :P

Broken

I stood in the kitchen staring at the plate in my hands deciding weather or not I should drop it, rationality said 'You'll only have to buy another, this isn't a very sensible thing to do'. Irrationality said 'Its your plate, your control do what you like' so I simply opened my fingers and watched it as I let it fall and smash by my feet. I didn't smile as I saw the pieces shatter across the floor, didn't feel satisfied I just knelt down and scooped the shards into a pile and standing again observed the broken side plate then burst into tears.

Fucking hell

Fucking fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!! What ever happened to the 'Happiness is' cartoon strip???? Honestly you think everything is going great and your so happy then BAM the other person decides to have a fucking brain fart and poke about in what doesn't need poking about in just because they can!!!!!! For fucks sake just because I have a bottle of washing up liquid in the kitchen doesn't mean Im going to drink the fucking thing just because I fucking can!!!! News flash!!!! It wouldn't be good for me!!!!!!!!!!
The past is the past is the god damn FUCKING past!!!!!!! It is not present!! DUH!!!!! It is not any ones business but mine unless I decide to share it!!! I am sooooo angry I could spit!!!!! He wants me to talk so I do, not as much as he wants but its difficult to break the habit of a lifetime this though its not good enough so he decides to pre-empt me, try to figure out what I will say before I say it: before I've even configured the thought in my head let alone the fucking sentence!!!!!

I know he had rows with his ex, I don't need to know what was said by who, I wouldn't ask..... I know it hurts to bring these things up!!!! I could have said this to him earlier while I was trying to explain why I was so upset with how he was and what he had said but I didn't for exactly that reason.

For fuck sake 'Happiness is' just because it fucking is, leave it the fuck alone and cherish it.

I love you.

You love me.

Be happy.

I may not be an expert communicator but while I love rubbing his shoulders, giving a massage, bringing a cup of tea to him in bed even though I have my son to see to and I'm not even coming back under the covers then he has nothing NOTHING NOTHING to worry about!!!!!

It's all Greek to me.

So today I'm feeling........ hmmmm I'm not exactly sure what I'm feeling but its not bad. It's just not brilliant either. I had a heart to heart conversation, not something I've ever done before and it was very hard to do. It was mainly comprised of allot of snotting and crying and smudged mascara but things got said that I've sat on for years and not told anyone, ever.

Just when you think you know exactly whats happening *whollop* something smacks you in the chops and wakes you up......... you rub your eyes, blink, look around and see something filling the empty space......... Initial reaction?? *Get the fu*k out!!!* Kick the sh*tting thing and crawl back in my nice quiet rut!!

You know what its like when the little one is held back with one hand by the head as they throw swiping punches into thin air missing the target completely..... well that's me unsuccessfully repelling kindness, understanding and friendship.

Friend with benefits? Well yes we are just not how I thought... don't get me wrong we are having a great time, my god the nookie is that good he actually had steam coming off him.... no really!! :) Windows have never been so fogged up!!! ooooh momma!!! :P Anyway, I digress....

He cuddles me and rubs my head when we are watching telly, he holds me in bed till I fall asleep then when I'm asleep and he rolls over, doesn't then wake me to complain as I kick him till he resumes the position (I know nuthinnnng.... I'm asleep :P) buttt he sure as hell tells me what I did in the morning haha. When I'm being neurotic, looking at him sideways, wondering what he's up to, what he wants from me as I'm snotting, sniffing and not coping with someone being nice to me, he talks, holds me close as I cry on his shirt and I wonder how he's not running away at a million miles a minute from the blatantly crazy lady. Because, well lets face it I've got a touch of the loon about me.

Stuff happens to me in my life and I file it away under *Do not open.... ever!!! although this will sneak out every now and then and sucker punch you just to keep you on your toes*. So now there is someone willing to un-pick me and figure out which way the pieces are supposed to go together to counteract the insanity and I'm not sure what to do, how to let him help me. I know he is the best thing to happen to me in a long time and he has told me the same but how many time can you metaphorically kick someone before they think, sod this for a lark! Is it really worth the effort? And there we have it, it's a silly thing to think because I know the answer already..... he will say yes, I am worth the effort.

A negative is always easier to believe than a positive. Being quiet is easier to do than talking and keeping someone out is safer than allowing a person in.

I have spent allot of years bottling things up and well, they got a bit pickled and smooshed. How do I open up and tell him things when I can hardly make out what those things are myself. I know he gets frustrated but he has to realize this is a new concept to me.

Put it this way.... if you saw a page of Chinese symbols and were expected to read it aloud without ever having done before you'd be buggered unless you had an understanding of it. It would just look like a mess on a sheet of paper.

Although having said that if he can lift my chin and look into my teary eyes, smugged makeup and all then not recoil, saying not to lower my head or be ashamed then that's a good start.

Still though I'm feeling unsure and unsteady, I really think I can believe him but it's all Greek to me and I'm desperately trying to claw my way back into my nice quiet rut.