Just when you think you know exactly whats happening *whollop* something smacks you in the chops and wakes you up......... you rub your eyes, blink, look around and see something filling the empty space......... Initial reaction?? *Get the fu*k out!!!* Kick the sh*tting thing and crawl back in my nice quiet rut!!
You know what its like when the little one is held back with one hand by the head as they throw swiping punches into thin air missing the target completely..... well that's me unsuccessfully repelling kindness, understanding and friendship.
Friend with benefits? Well yes we are just not how I thought... don't get me wrong we are having a great time, my god the nookie is that good he actually had steam coming off him.... no really!! :) Windows have never been so fogged up!!! ooooh momma!!! :P Anyway, I digress....
He cuddles me and rubs my head when we are watching telly, he holds me in bed till I fall asleep then when I'm asleep and he rolls over, doesn't then wake me to complain as I kick him till he resumes the position (I know nuthinnnng.... I'm asleep :P) buttt he sure as hell tells me what I did in the morning haha. When I'm being neurotic, looking at him sideways, wondering what he's up to, what he wants from me as I'm snotting, sniffing and not coping with someone being nice to me, he talks, holds me close as I cry on his shirt and I wonder how he's not running away at a million miles a minute from the blatantly crazy lady. Because, well lets face it I've got a touch of the loon about me.
Stuff happens to me in my life and I file it away under *Do not open.... ever!!! although this will sneak out every now and then and sucker punch you just to keep you on your toes*. So now there is someone willing to un-pick me and figure out which way the pieces are supposed to go together to counteract the insanity and I'm not sure what to do, how to let him help me. I know he is the best thing to happen to me in a long time and he has told me the same but how many time can you metaphorically kick someone before they think, sod this for a lark! Is it really worth the effort? And there we have it, it's a silly thing to think because I know the answer already..... he will say yes, I am worth the effort.
A negative is always easier to believe than a positive. Being quiet is easier to do than talking and keeping someone out is safer than allowing a person in.
I have spent allot of years bottling things up and well, they got a bit pickled and smooshed. How do I open up and tell him things when I can hardly make out what those things are myself. I know he gets frustrated but he has to realize this is a new concept to me.
Put it this way.... if you saw a page of Chinese symbols and were expected to read it aloud without ever having done before you'd be buggered unless you had an understanding of it. It would just look like a mess on a sheet of paper.
Although having said that if he can lift my chin and look into my teary eyes, smugged makeup and all then not recoil, saying not to lower my head or be ashamed then that's a good start.
Still though I'm feeling unsure and unsteady, I really think I can believe him but it's all Greek to me and I'm desperately trying to claw my way back into my nice quiet rut.
Posts
